jokes thread

[mitsuru]

The other day I needed to go to A & E.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a
patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my
jacket.

When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all it cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time!

Here's the patch - http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/patch1.jpg

Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker e[/img]mergency
service

It also works at the DSS office. It saved me 5 hours!

At the Launderette, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any
machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....

The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

[Renrut]

Here's one doing the rounds you may not have seen:

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

[mitsuru]

[mitsuru]

This joke is of my brother's work so apologies in advance

Job at the Council.
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes Caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for a public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points towards
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy replies, "Yes, A mine exploded near me when I was
there and I lost both of mt testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and says then says, "O.K. You've got
enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm....

...but you can start tomorrow at 10:00am - and carry on
starting at 10:00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are 8:00am
4:00pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00am?
I'm not looking for any spcial treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"
the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee
and scratching out bollocks. There's no point in you starting
work that early."

[mitsuru]

This is a real story but it is too good not to post.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/health/newsid_7874000/7874798.stm

How stupid do you have to be??

[mitsuru]

I found these but can not take credit for them

A selection of rioting jokes;

First this went out on Scotish radio during the riots and is an interview with a Psychologist

Interviewer: “Clearly professor, these rioters have a common purpose, a common goal. They want to let society know of their frustrations and that they are driven by a strong desire and common purpose. Can you explain how their minds are working and what exactly they are seeking”
Professor: “ I think that what they are seeking is the acquisition of a large-screen, high definition television set, hopefully with 3-D capability.
Interviewer: “Er, pardon,”
Professor: “Lets’s face it; they’re not targeting bastions of capitalism; I mean, they’re not throwing paint and bricks at banks. What they are doing is smashing they way into Dixons & Currys and walking off with television sets and I-phones.
Interviewer: But the common motive behind the rioting…the true cause is?
Professor: “Like I said, they want to steal a television set.
Interviewer: “ Er, thanks, Professor.

...and some more;

It's been said the rioters are using phones to communicate meeting places for rioting.

If only there was a company that could hack into such phone calls and present their findings in the media...!!



Fake JD Sports shop front. Trap door. Large hole. Job done.



Morning convicted Looters! How did it feel having YOUR back door kicked in last night by Big Winston of A block?


THE RIOTERS PRAYER.

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the Sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Teles, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!!


The first conviction has been made of a thug who ransacked DFS. He was given a hefty fine but nothing to pay until 2012 then 4 years interest free credit.


Gerald Kaufman (£43,564 expenses including 4 grapefruit bowls at £540)
I condemn the naked greed of these criminals and their taking advantage
of their pampered and privileged opportunities ..

David Wilshire (£160,532 expenses including £100k on a flat 15 miles
from main home) My honourable friend has hit the nail on the head. This
is not about ideology, it's sheer naked greed

John Healey (£84,562 expenses including £6,194 for renovating his
kitchen) We should understand a little less and condemn a little more,
Mr Speaker; only tough action against these feral youths will ...

Speaker (£146,780 expenses) Order! Order! Members must set an example
to young people!

[OilyFingers]

@Mituru. I used to work for a council as a car park attendant (I know I know but you had to work hard to get a ticket from me) and funnily enough we used to start at 8 and not venture out of the hut until 10:30. The reason? We wern't there to book everyone in sight, we supervised ourselves, The car parks never filled up until 11am and 'The Sun' won't read itself. Once we had been around and counted the cars we would then have lunch at about 12ish for an hour and a half then after lunch empty all the ticket machines and that takes you to about 3. 3pm is afternoon break until 5pm when we went home.

So basically, yes, we sat around drinking coffee and scratching our gonads for most of the morning, as long as we got one ticket a week the bosses wern't bothered what we did.

[mitsuru]

Jimmy Saville goes into a faulty time machine...
Now...then
Now...then
Now...then

[mitsuru]

[mitsuru]

This dad is tired of being lied to from his kid. He's caught him in two to three lies over the last couple of days and he's sure that's not all. He finds a business online that sells robots that will slap a person if they are telling a lie.

The family sits down to dinner with the robot and so the Dad starts asking the son how his day was.

Kid says "It was fine, I was at school all day."

SLAP!!!

The dad laughs and says "Yeah, the robot slaps you if you lie to me. So you want to try that again?"

"Ok, ok, I was at Johnny's watching cartoons." the kid says.

SLAP!!!

The dad laughs and the kid says "OK, I was watching porn!"

The mom laughs and says "He's certainly your son."

SLAP!!!

[OilyFingers]

Wi divint need a geordie windaz alreet hinney. Its ard enough tryin to get me maaa to work the normal un. Its been on the chebble since whitsun but I think me favva knaas aal aboot it.

[OilyFingers]

A Cardinal runs through the Vatican to see the pope (The Cardinal went to see see see the holy see see see see see, if you like). ''Pope, pope I have good news an bad news just come in''. ''What is it man whats the good news'', said the pope. ''Its Jesus, sir. He's come back to Earth''. ''Oh good'', said the Pope. ''And the bad''.
The Cardinal took a deep breath and resigned,''He's in Salt Lake City''

[mitsuru]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and,
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



Mr Muscle - "Loves the jobs you hate".
What a load of bollocks.....I bought a bottle last week and it still
hasn't shagged the wife!









and my favourite

[mitsuru]

You know when you have one of those days!!!

[mitsuru]

CLASSIC: It’s Okay, They’re Not Good With Numbers